joh641

why am i so cool? #and other lies

you come to the crossroads, the fork in the road. and being convinced at the time of your own convictions(?) you start to walk along the path that “feels right” or that others say is “right”. your legs walk of their own accord, doing what seems to be natural, doing what you tell yourself you want to do, going where you tell yourself you want to go. but then you take a step back, cut yourself off from the pressure of your peers. and you wake back up in reality. it’s the real world. not some perfect fantasy, not some pleasant dream. and in the real world there are real consequences. for every action, a reaction. results favorable and otherwise. and those sideline voices, those backseat drivers re-emerge. reminding you of what could be, promises of a better life. they tell you that you’re over-thinking things, over-analyzing the situation. that if you don’t make a move now, it’ll never happen. that this decision to make a decision is indecision. and that indecision leads to inaction. but they are not you. you are you. and you have to decide. left or right. right or wrong. regret or satisfaction. that’s the way they paint it at least. that it is either black or white. that the outcome of this decision can only be inherently good or bad. or at least that’s where their preferences lie. that’s where they want you to go.

you make your choice. not their choice. although they may say that it was “their choice”, the decision is your own. this ownership comes with responsibility, the ownership of the consequences. the acceptance of the aftermath. whatever regret or satisfaction may come. but you come to a realization. that whatever the choice may be. it was never the right one. it could never have been the right one. even if you had a chance to do it all over again, to take every possible path, to travel along the roads, you would still never come to the right one. because, deep down inside, you know. you know that somewhere along the way you made a mistake. a mistake that no level of backtracking can fix.

so you made the decision that you won’t regret, the “right” decision. you have everything you ever wanted. but at what cost? somewhere along the way you sold something. you gave a part of yourself up. you sacrificed in order to achieve something far “greater”, something of “worth”. you hurt some people along the way. maybe you even forgot about them. you let go of it. it which cannot be replaced, it which can never be found again.

so you made the decision that you’ll regret, the “right” decision. you don’t have what you were searching for, what you “wanted”, but you still have everything else. the status quo. things will just return to normal. go back to the way they were. as if nothing happened. but something did happen. and things will never return to the way they were. and you are left with your regret. wishing things were the same.

and you come to the second realization. the realization. the mistake wasn’t something you did. not even something you said. it wasn’t something you didn’t do, nor something you didn’t say. the mistake was being you. and that was something you couldn’t do anything about. nothing you could change about that. regardless of how hard you try, how hard you try to fight it, how much you struggle against your own nature. you can’t stop being you. through life, through death. you are you.

and so the question is: why try? why pick a path when you know that either way leads to pain, to loss, to sacrificing something so precious? that neither path is right. 

because the sky is blue.

it’s as simple as that. simple truths that cannot be changed. simple truths that face us each and every day. things that we may even take for granted. the truth of life. the truth of death. all things come and go. and despite the obstacles that face us, despite the losses we face. we move on. even when every choice we make is for the worse, when every step we take leads us further and further away from the light. we take that step. we make that choice. we live. we survive. even as every breath we take leads us closer and closer to death’s cold grip. we breathe the air. the air of life.

we savor every breath. we take what life gives us. to err is human. that is something which will never change. along with every other inherent truth about this earth. we go about our lives without a care in the world for these things, so why let the inevitability of stumbling somewhere along the way stop us from running?

why even stop at running when we can fly?

Indifference

Apathy.  DGAF-ing… or NGAF-ing?  Whatever the word for it is, I find that this idea, this concept, this thing is the problem.  And by the problem I mean the source of problems (not your problems… you’re not special today).  Organizationally, academically, socially, you name it.  It’s not that you can’t do it, but rather that you just don’t give a… and by you I mean me.  Mind blown.  Not really, but I find it to be a recurring problem.  I’ve been looking through some things from the past, reminiscing, nostalgia, all that jazz and I found something I wrote three years ago on this very subject… somewhat:

     What is this void that grabs at my soul, rips the warmth from my heart, steals the light from my eyes?  That I am insignificant, that I reach and feel nothing there; that I jump yet stick to the ground.  With wings clipped and flames extinguished; with what I have sown reaped by another; with residence torn asunder and sanctuary vulnerable to the raging winds.
     Am I not surrounded by many - yet cared for by none?  Am I not enveloped in a land of happiness and laughter - yet abandoned in a sea of bitterness and sorrow?  Am I not subject to a thousand listening ears - yet they are deaf to my cries?
     These eyes that are empty; these hands that hold nothing - cold and dry; this heart hardened by the tests of the world; this mouth that speaks to no one; ears that are audience to none.  Faces covered with false smiles; soothing voices laced with insincerity; limbs that embrace as readily as they cause harm.  The poison of the masses seeking to course through my veins, wishing for me to succumb to the ever present darkness.  The brightness that eludes me, joy that flees from my presence.
     I am a famine to the fields of humanity; a plague to those healthy in their own pride; a curse to those confident in their own worth; unfit to act in the play that others make of life; under-dressed when all disguise their true selves; alone when the world goes to pursue its own interests; indifferent to the indifference.

The voice that’s speaking can be anything or anyone.  It can be an idea unrealized or an individual estranged by the world.  But I’ve come to realize that, particularly in the organizational setting, neither the individual (the members) nor the world (the organization) is entirely to blame.  When the idea that drives the organization is met with apathy, indifference, or without concern, regardless of how high and noble that idea is, how much potential or promise it has, the idea withers away, its light stamped out.  The same goes for an individual.  One person can’t carry the weight of many, at least not for long.  It taxes the body and mind, the health and spirit.  And it troubles me, especially when it comes to things like the fraternity, when an idea is suffocated not by its impossibility or difficulty, but rather by the indifference of those who claim to espouse it.  Likewise, apathy is contagious, an ever constant drain on those who actually do care.  Eventually, it gets to them and the whole thing falls apart.  However, I like to be optimistic about this.  People can step up.  People can be indifferent to the indifference, no matter who paradoxical that sounds.  It just takes that leap, that decision to be different.  That decision to actually start giving a